Sociable

Friday, May 15, 2015

3 a.m

So it's three in the morning and although I'm tired, sleep has thus far evaded me. I'm also bored and so I thought I'd scribble something and I thought I'd scribble it on here which is odd seeing as I haven't been here in forever. I can barely see through the dust and cobwebs to write this even. Lol.
I couldn't think of what to title this and if I slept on it I might change my mind about posting it. Also, it would no longer be spontaneous even if I did end up posting it and spontaneity often feels good. Besides not everything needs a caption, I mean, how often do we label thoughts and feelings in actuality? Don't we often just think and feel and live.. seamlessly?


Saudade
Too little, too late
Or maybe just fate?
Was it inevitable?
In spite of all the thrill,
Perhaps Providence will do what it will?


Heartache
Over what?
Does it grieve what was lost?
What never was?
What could have been?
Things yet seen?


Hiraeth
But what do I yearn for?
Yes he felt like home
But didn't I always want more?
Could it be what my heart misses
Are lips yet untainted by my kisses?


Funifugal
My mistake
Ended up marring the sillages of love with hate
Bandaids over bullet holes
Till what could have been red-hot fire is now burnt-out coal


Vorfreude
Apt take on the current mood
Appetite whetted by the interlude
After all, the main story hasn't been told
The warm fireplace is best appreciated after the cold
And there is beauty that abounds solely within the unknown



Tuesday, July 31, 2012

:)

So my birthday is sooooonnnn!! :D

It's been such a lovely year, gosh. I feel so blessed.

By year, I do not mean 2012, I mean the time that has lapsed since my last birthday. So much has happened, so much has changed but God and His goodness have remained constants.

In my life right now; in my own little world, everything is wonderful. I feel so at peace with myself and I'm just at a good place basically. I wake up each day so happy and grateful and filled with joy that I cannot explain or comprehend, and that I can only attribute to Gods' blessings.

I'm very proud of myself and the things I have accomplished in my 2 decades on Earth. I really do feel I've done well for myself and that I've grown into a fine young woman who is only going to get finer with time :) I'm satisfied with everything in my life right now and I'm looking forward to my new year and all it holds.

For the first time ever, I'm spending my summer away from family and not in Nigeria. I am at a loss as to what to do to celebrate it as usually I have someone else help organize it. Plus, I'm not really in the mood to do anything other than chill and meditate and soak in life.. Lol.. I sound weird.. I feel weird too, I've been on a Carpe Diem high for a while now and do not know when I am going to come off of it. Not like I want to anyways. I will figure something out by the time the day arrives sha, with Kofi and Jessie's help hopefully :D

I have never felt so good about an upcoming birthday. Now more than ever, I just feel like there's so much good in my future and so I need the present to hurry up and pass biko, lol.

I'm grateful for the friends I've made this past year and the ones I've cut off. I am grateful for family. Very grateful. I am grateful for good health. I am grateful for school. I am grateful for my talents (I got published in an anthology earlier this year, yay me :D). I am grateful for all the experiences I've had between last August and now that have taught me more about myself and my heart and the way I reason and people and life. I'm just sha grateful.

This blogpost is starting to sound like testimony.. Haha.. But that's how good I feel :)

My presents have already started coming in and will keep coming in till September (the upside to your birthday occurring during the holidays and not when school is in session is that you keep getting presents over an extended period of time :D)

My theme for the new year when I turned 20 was 'self-improvement'.. And I think I did pretty well on that. I learnt how to swim (sorta), I learnt how to make hair (somehow), I learnt a few new recipes :D, I learnt how to control my anger even better and how to pick my battles (now I just walk away from most of them), I started exercising a bit for the first time in my life and my body is so grateful.. I haven't lost any weight but I'm definitely fitter, I can climb stairs and do some other stuff I found difficult previously, really easy now :D. I learnt some other little things to that I cannot remember right now.. And I think I shall just jejely continue with that theme in my new year :)

Love. Kisses. Hugs
xxoxo

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Everyone's favourite Lie - ''I'm fine''

Eventually you become numb
You blind your senses, make them mute and dumb
Because you've felt and felt and can't afford to feel no more
And you've given and given and now you're empty even at the core.

Eventually you give yourself amnesia
You don't let your mind wander, not even for leisure.
You make yourself forget
You try to un-meet the feelings you've already met.
You pack it all in a box
All the while fighting back all thoughts
And begin to walk away.

Has reality ever felt so sad that all you want to do is sleep?
Has life felt so harsh that the last thing you want to do is be on your feet?
Has your being ever felt so empty that all you do is eat and eat? (lol)

Has your heart ever ached so bad, you thought it'd kill you?
Have your eyes ever cried more tears than you thought were in you?

Eventually it gets to a point where it's you versus the pain
It's fighting to change you, to remould your original frame.
You don't want to give in, you don't want to become a monster
But to be honest, you don't have that much fight in you to fight much further.

Have you ever wondered if it's all your fault?
Have you ever considered that maybe you deserve all the fuckery that comes your way?

Sometimes, if you're that in-tune,
You feel the pieces of you that were fire red turn cold blue.
You feel the blood turn to ice
You feel the hurt turning out the lights.
You feel the flowers wither, the grass turn brown
You feel the bits of hope die and fall to the ground.
You feel the wounds form
Wounds you try to, but cannot lick
And that nothing can adorn.

So much self-turmoil and inner struggle
Your aim is to get by; to simply exist from day to day
And then someone will pause to say
'Are you alright?, you don't seem okay...''
And you have to find it within you to say
'I'm just fine, I'm okay...
I'm just somewhat tired today...''
You also have to convincingly smile before you walk away
And then you think about if eventually
Telling someone you're okay
Won't be you lying through your teeth..

Monday, February 20, 2012

WHAT IS LOVE?

'Love is when you make someone else's happiness your business. Love is when their smile is your priority. Being loved is when your heart is filled with so much joy each day you wake up because it's another opportunity to feel special'' 
- Me.

A friend recently told me that he made his girlfriend cry tears of joy the other day. That he was hoping for a smile and she basically was overwhelmed. And he said that it made him feel 'fulfilled'.. And I thought about the story and what he said for a long while after it and it struck me that love's aim is always to bring joy. Love doesn't just do things and then if the other person is happy, fine. There's a conscious effort to be kind.

So when was the last time you did something for someone you love just to make them happy? When was the last time you put conscious effort and time and resources into making your mom or dad or best friend or significant other feel extra special? 

Saying 'I love you' shouldn't be a trivial admission. Those words come with a responsibility guys and the responsibility is to actually love the person we are saying those words to. To create in them an awareness that they are not alone. To stop and think about them before doing something and how your actions could affect them.

Also saying ILY isn't enough. Actions speak louder than words. You know this. I know this. We know this. Yet somehow we find ourselves not actively acting out our appreciation for the people we appreciate.

I  try to hear the words you say to me, but your actions keep drowning them out. I try to listen to you and the words you say but your actions are much louder and they're all that I hear

Too many people are dead today that would still be alive if they knew how much they were loved. If some of the deceased could hear the things said about them after their demise, they would still be here.

Too many relationships and friendships and even marriages end because human beings tend to take other humans for granted all the time. Don't begin to cherish someone when it's too late. Don't realise someone is one in a million when they're tired of waiting for you to realise.

Too many people are out there tired and frustrated; tired of loving people who don't know how to love back and then they become the kind of people who do not know how to love too. Did you get that? It's a vicious cycle. You get hurt or maybe you don't but your laziness and nonchalance hurts someone who goes on to hurt someone else. 
So now we are just a bunch of people, some of us don't know how to love, some of us don't know how to be loved, some of us have lost faith in the whole thing and some of us are just too nonchalant to be bothered to do anything but cry and give a speech when that special person dies... Sad, sad world... 

I pray God heals our hearts and changes our attitudes and mindsets, amen.

Too many R n B songs are about regret and loss that could have been avoided. 

So let's all begin the pursuit of bliss today :) Let's prioritize the people in our lives who make us happy and eliminate the people who make us sad and just surround ourselves with love and good and positivity. And let's make sure  the people who are dear to us feel dear and that we give and not just take from those who are good to us. 



Hehehe.. A few of my favorite had I known songs lol.. 




Have a fab week guys! 
*Now texting my momma that I love her and e-mailing my dad same*
xxoxo 

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Testimony time... 2011

So it's like 4am and I'm up and I'm too tired to study but not tired enough to go to bed and so I thought I'd blog :)

Today is the 27th of December. 2011 is almost over (yayyy!!!)

So as I sit hear and type this I am filled with so much gratitude towards God (who I believe directs my life) because I remember where I was this time last year and it was a dark place. I also remember that most of this year was rough for me and so to be ending it filled with so much happiness and peace and joy and love feel so good.

In 2011 for the first time ever, I had to deal with self-esteem and self-worth issues. I had to deal with heartbreak for the first time ever too. I had to deal with a very rough semester academically. I was in an emotionally, physically and verbally abusive situation and I couldn't find the strength initially to deal with it. One of my grandmothers died this year and typing that just made my eyes water. There were conspiracies and rumours and lies and betrayal. Let's just say my shock threshold has been re-adjusted.There were a lot of personal and private things that occurred this year with me and with my family that I cannot even mention but what I will say is that this year was the longest year of my life.

There were too many nights that I cried myself to sleep. Too many. There were too many weeks that I just attended classes and hurried back home once they were over. It's like a lot of stuff piled up and dawned on me all at once and it broke me. At a point in it all, I got tired of praying and sought solace in alcohol. I'd drink just enough to numb me so I didn't feel anything. Or just enough to drowse me to the point of sleep. Or just enough to give me the courage to leave my house and put up a smiley face for everyone. And it gave me some perspective as to how people become addicts or drug-dependant (I never understood that previously)

And you see the thing is that I have always been a strong character and I have always been a happy girl. Nothing had ever broken my spirit or tampered with my joy. However in 2011, the devil stole not only my happiness but my joy and I was depressed. I don't mean that I was merely really sad. I was clinically depressed. Nothing interested me, nothing excited me. I would have days were I wouldn't be able to eat anything and then days where I'd binge-eat a gazillion calories. I didn't like being awake, I always wanted to be asleep to escape but I struggled with that too. All my hobbies; singing, writing, reading, cooking, I wasn't up for doing any of them. The love I had for life vanished and I stopped living but merely existed for a long while. And the thing I remember most is feeling hollow. Like the real me that had lived inside my body for 20 years was gone and nothingness had taken her place. My eyes were vacant, I could tell because I'd look in the mirror and see no one.

Anyway, I considered going to a psychiatrist or psychologist but I live in Hungary. And I did not want to handle the frustration of talking to someone who isn't a native speaker of English.

At the end of the day, it was Jesus oh. I got to the point where I was like talking to myself and I reminded myself of things I had forgotten. Deep down, I believe that God runs my world and everything that happens, He lets happen and that He loves me and that at the end of the day, I will be alright and all I have to do is to be faithful and hopeful and hold on. And so I held on and I prayed. And God sorted out the deep, intricate mess that was my life and it happened ever so gradually.

He healed my heart and took out all the hate that was in it. He comforted me and consoled me over all the things and people I had lost. He reminded me that I am beautiful and awesome. He put peace in my heart and He gave me back my joy.

One thing that I remember ministering to me when I was going through self-confidence issues is Matthew 7:6 which says ''Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces''

Now how do I explain this? #Rhetorical... Absolutely nothing is wrong with you. Lol. Well of course you're flawed and you have things you should improve on and change but basically no one should ever make you feel like you're not good enough to deserve the good things in life.

What happens everyday is that because I don't feel good about myself, I will try to make you feel less good about yourself. Yes there are people that messed up and chances are you have them around you. You'll be in a relationship with someone and they will lose love for you but they won't leave you until they ensure they've made you lose love for yourself... because leaving a wholesome person is hard but if I can dilute you; if I can make you an ugly shell of what was, I've made leaving you easy. And then I've left you feeling deflated. And I've left you feeling like you're nothing. I've deceived you into thinking you're a whole lot less than what you thought you were. And this all sounds horrible, but baby the heart of man is desperately wicked.

Now the mentality should be, that ''I am precious and valuable and beautiful and an effing big deal and if someone cannot recognise this it simply means that they are a dog or a pig and hence cannot identify what is sacred or cannot value jewellery''... (for those of you with low attention spans that was me referring to the bible verse I quoted some paragraphs ago). Now this might be flawed but this is my thinking and I endorse it.. And this is my blog, I can write what I want anyway... If you start to see yourself as valuable and you convince yourself of that, no one outside of yourself will ever be able to convince you otherwise, it will always end with you laughing at them and thinking ''this person for sure no sabi quality'' hehe..

I went through a lot of stuff this year that I'd never been through before and I was alone but not completely; God held my hand through it all. And so I want to say that truly people, pray about everything and pray at all times and stay hopeful. There's nothing at all He cannot do.

Most family issues have been sorted out. School is going pretty well. My heart's all good and in fact seriously loving. My esteem's all sorted. My smile is real. I am happy again and it's so relieving. I've got peace of mind. Basically, God restored everything that I lost and even dashed me jara... and all this isn't because I'm the best Christian, simply because He loves me and He's in my life (feel free to ask God to take active control of your life at this juncture lol)

Merry Christmas everyone. Have a blessed New Year. And I hope you were blessed reading this because I really don't feel proud of any of it but I just want someone to know that you can be so so so very down and out and still rise again. And I also wanted to encourage anyone who may just need to be reminded that they are beautiful. I just felt moved to share this :)

Bullet points.
*Never repay kindness with evil.. Sounds like a no-brainer.. But...
*The only people you need in your life are the ones who want to be there
*Don't let bad experiences with bad people make you a worse person, don't let evil win
*Don't let hatred take root in your heart and if it already has, don't harbour it any longer
*God orchestrates the best revenge so don't worry your pretty little head, He's a good judge
*Cupid is a retarded down-syndrome baby
*Life is fleeting; treat your loved ones well
*It's only pain, it'll hurt but it won't kill. I promise.
*With one person you'll never be enough and with another you'll be all they've dreamed of and more
*Never give up on yourself. Never give up on God. Never give up on love.
*Do not judge people. Really
*Sometimes you think you have an idea, but you don't. And even if I for example, gave you all the facts of my life, I can't make you feel how I feel or reason how I reason or describe to you precisely how things affect/have affected me and so you still don't get the full picture and so you still are in no position to condescend.
*Anyone is capable of anything. And sometimes people will shock you. Other times you will shock you.
*Life is not fair, and no matter how good you are, you will be screwed over. Did someone not screw Jesus over? (Judas)
*If you've never had bad, how can you truly appreciate good?
*At the end of the day when you're on the path you want, remember that all the previous wrong turns brought you to the path and also helped shape you into the person you are whilst on the path and remember to be grateful.

P.S: Let it not look like I don't have any friends at all oh, I have a few but I know how to be there for people, I just don't really know how to let people be there for me. And I think my friends are pretty used to me being self-dependent. Like I can be mad that some boy has just been pretending to like me so he can smash, and my friend will skype me wailing that some boy hasn't called her and that boys are so mean and I won't understand and I will accommodate her and encourage her with good cheer, lol.. So any of my few friends reading this and feeling bad, don't abeg.. It's cool.. Y'all were super helpful because some days I needed to remind myself that people outside my family truly love me (cuz to be my friend, you must love me, I'm a character) and I'd think of you guys, and I'd get through the day.. xxoxo




Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Sowy...

I know I came on here like months ago and made promises to blog and what not but you guys, my life has been crazy busy.

I got back to Hungary in September and I was basically homeless for like 2 weeks. My dad didn't like the new apartment I had secured whilst in Nigeria and by the time school had resumed I still hadn't found a place of my own. My dear Chuka Nnanna gladly housed me and being the sweetie he is it was decent fun.



Finally found a place, but then it took ages for me to get my lazy butt down to the Internet company and then it took a bit for the incompetent idiots (I'm still a bit mad at them) to have the thing up and running.

So by mid-October, I finally had settled into my new apartment and also installed Internet, time to blog right? Wrong. My laptop starts acting up. Keys start dying. Like every day one gives up the ghost. Had to send the thing away for repairs.

End of October, your girl was super busy preparing for the Nigerian Independence party which was a total success (Kudos to Tessy Yusuf and Dipo Ojo).

I was a model that night for Freda Igbre's fashion line. I and some girls choreographed to Keri Hilson's 'Lose Control' (I've never ever danced on stage before; stage fright issues and so it was an experience). Lastly, I directed the drama of the night which was also based on a story I wrote. It was all a lot of work but I felt good and fulfilled by the end of the night.


Now it's November :( Better late than never though right?? :D